My Food Bites!

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Posts tagged weed

The Ten Worst Hamburgers in America!

I’m back!!  For the last four years I have been touring this great nation of ours in search of America’s worst burgers. “Horrible Hamburger College,” as it was known to my blog-fans, has finally come to an end and I am incredibly glad to be done with this horrific ordeal. I’m finally home, becoming reacquainted with my wife Amanda and our dog Hambone and the new man who sleeps in my bed with them, Thom.  But no worries, that will all be solved with a good talk and a great bottle of wine.  In the meantime, enjoy the culmination of my four years of patronizing every restaurant, farmers market, food stands, roadside cart, family park barbeque and Grand Opening promotional party that sold or gave away terrible burgers. 

 

The Ten Words Burgers in America:

10. The “Shit and Nails” Burger at Club Talahasee, Talahasse Fl.

There shouldn’t really be quotes around shit and nails, because that’s exactly what this burger was. It had no meat at all, just shit and nails on a bun. Technically it was really less a “burger,” and more “garbage,” which is why even though it tasted ridiculously bad, it barely made the list.  Apparently the burger was created from a dare gone horribly wrong that they forgot to take off he menu.  I had the 16 1/2 gauge burger. It was almost impossible to eat and not just because giant nails are inedible, the shit part was also very bad. I got very sick from it, in fact. I spent two months in the hospital. At one point, everyone thought I would die. But I give their fries a B+. Mmm… ranch dipping sauce!

9. The Yankee Candle Wax Lavender Burger at Paul’s Lobster Trap Seafood Restaurant, Old Orchard Beach, ME

The best word to describe this burger is pungent. The burger was good-sized and the bread was a delicious fresh sourdough I didn’t think was possible on the east coast. The problem was, they dip the burger in incredibly fragrant melted Yankee Candle candle wax for some reason.  It seemed like a terrible idea and it was.  You can hardly taste the burger through all that wax.  Other available “scent-dips” were Sandalwood, Evening Air and Christmas Joy, but Lavender tasted the worst by far.  No fries were served with the meal.

8. The Big Beefer at Randy’s, Houston TX

The Big Beefer burger was not one of the worst burger I’ve eaten in my entire life. It was the “Randy Experience” that soured this foodie’s outing.  The “gimmick” of Randy’s is much like an Ed Debevik’s, where the waiters insult the customer and you’re expected to give it back as well as you can take it, all in good fun. Randy’s, however, doesn’t have waitresses. It’s just Randy. And it’s not all in good fun. He’s a racist who is so very angry at the world.  Apparently, the restaurant’s “gimmick” was born when Randy’s wife died in a trash fire for which he blames “them. You know…them.”  After a couple bites I was tired of being called a Donkey Fag (by which I believe he meant Democrat) and decided to leave.  My decision was solidified when he threw my food on the ground and waved a snubnosed pistol in my face. Randy told me I was not allowed to eat the Freedom Fries because of my “Jew Legs,” which I found odd because, if anything, I have Lutheran Legs.  Strong, proud, Lutheran Legs. Nothing against Jew Legs, of course.

7. The Great Gusher Burger at Bob N’ Sue’s Falafel Shack, Minneapolis, MN

I know this is supposed to be about the burgers, but I have to quickly get this off my chest. A falafel place with American fare?? Now I’ve heard everything! Owners, Bob and Sue Mohamad Abdel-Salam should really stick to one style. Okay, thanks for hanging in there blog-fans, now, onto the burger. Based on Gusher Fruit snacks, these burgers come infused with a sugary liquid center. Knowing your burger has a filling causes you to eat very carefully. Unfortunately, it didn’t matter.  Now I know why the waitress said, “Get ready to suck.” My first tiny bite was 5% meat and 95% Sour-Apple Gush my mouth. I desperately tried to hold it in, but the Gush was too much. The Gush gushed right back out, gushing my bun. Even my brand new “Date in Minneapolis. Marry in St. Paul” t-shirt was completely gushed in Gush. And you can’t get Gush out, it’s gushed there forever. The rest of the burger, which I had to eat shirtless, was a juicy pile of sour, sopping Gush. The fries were actually great. Until they got Gush all over them, then they were gushing terrible. 

6. The “You-Put-Your-Weed-In-There Buerger[sic]” at Bud’s, Eugene OR

Apparently, if I had gone to this place three months earlier I would have been in for the most mind-blowing burger of my life.  Unfortunately, when I arrived they were currently under investigation and trying to justify their menu.  Therefore, my “You-Put-You-Weed-In-There-Buerger[sic]” was served while under law enforcement surveillance and was therefore stuffed with and also garnished with LOTS of weeds from out front of the restaurant. The weeds must have been hastily picked because the roots and dirt were still very much attached.  Having the meat so over-stuffed with various weeds, such as dandelions both in flower and blowable seed form, caused it to not fully cook and also gave it a “poisonous” flavor which probably came from those weeds being previously sprayed with weed killer. The waiter said they were out of their famous “Triple Acid fries.”

5.  The Cheeseburger at California Pizza Kitchen, Des Moines IA

 Disgusting!  The curly fries also sucked.

4.  Poor Man’s Burger at Our Place, Golden CO

Touted as the most “classic” poor man’s burger, that’s exactly what it was. You get a piece of boiled shoe leather between two slices of white bread. No plate. Everything going into making the burger is part of the “poor man’s” experience. The shoe is boiled in a big pot of water, stirred with a bindle stick complete with red handkerchief sack at the end. When it’s done it’s pulled out on a fishing hook hanging from a stick by a hobo wearing fingerless gloves and licking his lips. I must admit, that part was lots of fun. The problem was, it’s just not good shoe leather. It was certainly not fresh and tasted like it had been frozen for quite a while. Also, the shoe dye was coming off on my fingers which I felt was tacky. I got the tongue, which is supposedly the best part, and I still couldn’t suck out much flavor. I just thank God I didn’t get the heel like my blog-fan Geoff. Sorry, Geoff! The shoestring fries were also not great.

3. Er Grub at Stoven, Chicago IL

Er Grub (an anagram for Burger) didn’t taste as bad as much as it made me feel bad. Stoven is obviously is trying to capitalize off the (now illegal in Chicago) delicacy of foie gras, which is duck or goose liver fattened by force feeding the animal corn until they die. Delicious! What isn’t delicious is Stoven’s “Faux-foie gras stylings.” As my waiter explained it, my particular “El Grub” was from a cow force fed the hamhocks of a pig who was force fed rosemary, lemons and another smaller pig force fed only salt and pepper. The cow spent most of his life in a jacuzzi filled with extra virgin olive oil placed in the middle of a wind farm in Vermont.  He was read David Sadaris short stories every day at noon and was killed by being smothered in fresh angel hair pasta. To be honest, I couldn’t taste any of that. It all smacked of desperation and strays too far from the simplicity of a liver of a duck force-fed corn until it died.  I couldn’t afford the $200 Pomme Frites avec Mango Salsa.

2. The “Shit and Nails” Burger at Barrel of Monkey’s Restaurant, Washington D.C

Right now, you’re probably thinking exactly what I thought when I bit into this one. ANOTHER Shit and Nail burger?! Yup! And this one was even more shittier and nailier than the first! The difference here was, when I bit into it and got that disgusted look on my face, the wait staff was more horrified than me!  Apparently, this burger was a total accident. They meant to serve me a bacon and blue cheese burger. Here’s what happened: after it was finished cooking the chef placed my burger in a red plastic barrel, which is there thing at Barrel of Monkey’s. But then the bucket was placed on a odd looking shelf, which unbeknownst to a new server, was actually a dumbwaiter that goes up to a construction site every few minutes, based on an automatic timer.  There, the foreman who also uses a red plastic bucket to put used nails into, didn’t notice his bucket was replaced with my food and continued to fill it.  Then he yelled to one of his contractors, Eddie Latrine, which another contractor misheard as “Empty the latrine.” Looking for a proper receptacle, the second contractor grabbed the red bucket containing the nails, and my burger, and filled it with shit. He then set it aside and went back to work, which is when the raccoon, smelling food, picked out the burger, took a nibble, was disgusted by the nails and shit and tossed it aside whereby it rolled on it’s side through the entire construction side, onto a girder being lifted and off the end back of the girder back onto the dumbwaiter which was on it’s way back down. Back in the restaurant, a passing monkey in a tux, which is also part of the restaurants thing, saw the food sitting there, thought he’d make himself useful and brought it to my table.  So technically, Barrel of Monkey’s doesn’t serve a Shit and Nails Burger. But I still ate it and it still tasted terrible, as did my side of embarrassment fries. Pretty crazy story thought, huh? All true.

1.  The Singed-Pubehair Burger with breast milk cheese at Soggy Bottoms Gentleman’s Club, Mandan ND

This. Was. Awful.  Soooooooo awful. It’s also part of a pending lawsuit so there’s not much more I can legally say. Hopefully the case will end soon, we are in the process of choosing jurors now. Just let me take the stand!