My Food Bites!

Welcome to the Mouth Rave where there's a party in my mouth and my opinion is invited!

Depression Baking.

I thought I had finally found my people!  People like me who desperately try to stave of depression by baking.  Staying up until the sun rises baking cakes, cookies, brownies, cupcakes, anything to keep us from crying and thinking about how our ex-wives are sailing the world on a yacht.  Then, throwing it all away. 

When I saw Depression Baking on Google I thought, “Finally, a support group for people like me!”  But, no.  Apparently, the depression they are talking about is the economic downturn in the 1930’s.  Their Depression Baking is baking without milk and butter and other expensive ingredients.  

My depression baking is making double frosting so I can eat an entire bowl of it while still having enough for my cake.  I don’t use expensive ingredients either, but that’s because I’m on work disability and make no money. 

Oh well.  Guess I’m still alone.

OMFoodie!!

I got reblogged by FuckYeahSpautula you guys!!!!   This has been a dream of mine ever since I got officially licensed to be a Foodie by the state of Maryland!

I never thought it would happen to me with my FIRST spatula post, but I guess dreams do come true!

This is it!  This reblog was the first reblog towards the rest of my life! Goodbye depression medication, life is AWESOME!!!!

Butter Nut Squash…

Is the grossest name for a food I can think of.  It sounds like someone slathered butter all over a dude’s nuts then squashed them.  Nasty right?  When someone offers me Butter Nut Squash I hear them saying, “Would you like me to pour melted butter down your pants then squeeze your junk in my hands?” The answer is no.  

The second grosses food name?  Queef Cheese.

Good Luck Soup!

I have a great idea for some “Good Luck” soup.  It’s a soup made entirely out of rabbit’s feet!  

How can that not make great things happen for me?! And I could use it.  I had to check “divorced” on some paper work today.  Makes me really sad.  Why me, ya know?

Well, I’m off to a local black market butcher to buy 4 rabbits to cut off their feet! Mmmm…good luck here I come!

I finally bought a spatula!! Now I can cook things on both sides, which should really help my food taste better!!  Thank God I walked by that garage sale after my car broke down.

I finally bought a spatula!! Now I can cook things on both sides, which should really help my food taste better!!  Thank God I walked by that garage sale after my car broke down.

I’m sick of people putting BACON in EVERYTHING!  I LOVE bacon just as much as the next guy. In fact, my doctor told me if I don’t stop loving bacon so much my heart will explode.  So, I’ve decided to pick a new food to over-indulge in. Of course I want to be fair about what food I pick to go ridiculously crazy for, like people do for bacon, so I randomly opened up a cookbook and chose the first food I saw.  

So, my new “bacon” is…….CONDENSED TOMATO SOUP!”  

I’m gonna eat Condensed Tomato Soup in every meal, drizzle it on everything I eat and have all my foods soaked in Condensed Tomato Soup!  I’ll eat only Condensed Tomato Soup sandwiches and have Condensed Tomato Soup infused hamburgers and drink it with every meal!

Move over BACON, the new cool food is CONDENSED TOMATO SOUP!

Some of my followers wanted to see what I looked like as a baby. Well, this is the best picture my mom had. The rest burned in my “stir fry” incident. You can’t see my face, but you can see me becoming interested in different foods. I remember this was Alpo dry food I was eating. Within a year I had moved on to wet food. The weird thing is, we never even owned a dog. I still wonder why we had that bowl. But here I am almost 30 years later still eating dog food and rawhides every chance I get!

Some of my followers wanted to see what I looked like as a baby. Well, this is the best picture my mom had. The rest burned in my “stir fry” incident.

You can’t see my face, but you can see me becoming interested in different foods. I remember this was Alpo dry food I was eating. Within a year I had moved on to wet food.

The weird thing is, we never even owned a dog. I still wonder why we had that bowl. But here I am almost 30 years later still eating dog food and rawhides every chance I get!

I’m a Foodie, not a Perv, Doug!

Well, my barbecue was a complete distaster!

Why do so many dirty things use the same name as food?? IT’S NOT FAIR!!! Why can’t I talk about suckin’ down a big, fat weiner without being mocked or laughed at?!  Huh?? WHY DOUG?!  I was talking about a hot dog!! And you knew it!  And who doesn’t like their weiner stuffed in their bun?! What, am I gonna eat my weiner nude?! Give it a rest Doug!!  

And I can’t say that I need a tea-bag anymore??? But I DID need a tea bag FOR THE ICED TEA!! Why should I have to say “I need “that thing” to dunk because it tastes better that way?” to keep Doug from laughing?!     

And I’m sorry, Doug, that my favorite drink is Squirt!  Yes, I like a Squirt in my mouth.  I like Squirt in my mouth, tea bags taste great, and I like weiners in my buns that are covered in pubes.  Pubes are what my grandmother called powdered sugar cubes. It’s a family recipe so STOP LAUGHING AT ME!!! 

I hate you Doug. 

Poll: Best Condiment?

What do you think is the condiments?

Definition: A condiment is any goopy liquid you can put on a sandwich. Here are your choices:  Ketchup, Yellow Mustard, Dijon Mustard, Relish, Mayo, Barbecue sauce and Horseradish.  If you can think of any others, tell me, because these are all the ones I know of.

My choice?  A mayo and yellow mustard combination. I know, I’m cheating!  Well, it’s my blog!

Kitchen must-have

My favorite tool in the kitchen is my microwave. It’s so fast! Anything you wanted reheated, or even cooked from scratch, boom, done in two minutes tops. I’m not sure why cooks use the oven so much, it takes forever!! Usually, when I try to get all fancy and use my oven to cook anything I end up microwaving a Hot Pocket while I wait, then I eat the other one and I’m barely hungry for whatever crap I “baked.” And you NEVER have to pre-heat when you use a microwave, it’s always ready to go! Like a perfect girlfriend, am I right fellas??

Whenever I go to a restaurant and I have to wait more than, like, five minutes I always make a big stink. I’m all like,”What are you doing back there?! Don’t you guys have a microwave?! Just bring me my lobster already!!”.

So, that’s why if you’re just getting started being a cook, or are a Foodie (like me!), step one is get a great microwave! Believe me, it’s a cook’s AND eaters best friend!