My Food Bites!

Welcome to the Mouth Rave where there's a party in my mouth and my opinion is invited!

Depression Baking.

I thought I had finally found my people!  People like me who desperately try to stave of depression by baking.  Staying up until the sun rises baking cakes, cookies, brownies, cupcakes, anything to keep us from crying and thinking about how our ex-wives are sailing the world on a yacht.  Then, throwing it all away. 

When I saw Depression Baking on Google I thought, “Finally, a support group for people like me!”  But, no.  Apparently, the depression they are talking about is the economic downturn in the 1930’s.  Their Depression Baking is baking without milk and butter and other expensive ingredients.  

My depression baking is making double frosting so I can eat an entire bowl of it while still having enough for my cake.  I don’t use expensive ingredients either, but that’s because I’m on work disability and make no money. 

Oh well.  Guess I’m still alone.

Good Luck Soup!

I have a great idea for some “Good Luck” soup.  It’s a soup made entirely out of rabbit’s feet!  

How can that not make great things happen for me?! And I could use it.  I had to check “divorced” on some paper work today.  Makes me really sad.  Why me, ya know?

Well, I’m off to a local black market butcher to buy 4 rabbits to cut off their feet! Mmmm…good luck here I come!

I finally bought a spatula!! Now I can cook things on both sides, which should really help my food taste better!!  Thank God I walked by that garage sale after my car broke down.

I finally bought a spatula!! Now I can cook things on both sides, which should really help my food taste better!!  Thank God I walked by that garage sale after my car broke down.

Birthday Duck (NOT suck) Feast!

Well…nobody showed up.  Not even Abhijit and Raghav.  I posted flyers all over Technical Logistics Services advertising my “Birthday Duck (NOT SUCK!) Feast!”

I thought it was clever because people at TLS make fun of me trying to cook, so I thought I’d nip it in the bud by telling them it won’t suck.  I even chose to cook duck BECAUSE it rhymed with suck.

But I guess it’s for the best.  Apparently, I’m not good at making duck.  I didn’t know you had to remove that layer of fat.  The whole thing caught fire and burned. At least one the outside. The inside was pretty raw.  But it cost $75, which is usually a week’s worth of groceries so I had to eat it.

Plus I’ll have to put some extra time in at Technical Logistics Services.  So, look out Abhijit and Raghav, there are some serious disapproving looks coming your way!


WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!  THIS IS NOT A  BIRTHDAY CAKE! You’d think when it’s somebody’s birthday at a place you’ve worked at for TWELVE YEARS you’d get a full fucking cake!!  Not a pocket mint with a cherry!  Thanks a lot “friends” at Technical Logistics Services! I even offered to MAKE the cake.  But nooooo, they said they’d handle it.  It took me like two seconds to eat this thing.  Alone I might add! So much for the Technical Logistics Services “Family.”  I didn’t even get a sugar rush. It’s my birthday and I want an entire corner piece with a frosting flower!!  If I’m not sick and regretful of what I’ve done, it’s not my birthday.  At least not a good one.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!  THIS IS NOT A  BIRTHDAY CAKE!

You’d think when it’s somebody’s birthday at a place you’ve worked at for TWELVE YEARS you’d get a full fucking cake!!  Not a pocket mint with a cherry!  Thanks a lot “friends” at Technical Logistics Services!

I even offered to MAKE the cake.  But nooooo, they said they’d handle it. 

It took me like two seconds to eat this thing.  Alone I might add! So much for the Technical Logistics Services “Family.” 

I didn’t even get a sugar rush. It’s my birthday and I want an entire corner piece with a frosting flower!!  If I’m not sick and regretful of what I’ve done, it’s not my birthday.  At least not a good one.

(Source: youaremyworld-x)

Oops…

Do you ever get confused between chocolate sauce and… other things?  Me too.  Next time I’ll remember that I don’t own chocolate sauce.  And even if I did, I wouldn’t keep it in the bathroom.

My new bed. I hope it fits two, I’m going clubbin’ on Saturday!

My new bed. I hope it fits two, I’m going clubbin’ on Saturday!

(via ultravioletwaves)

I’m sick of people putting BACON in EVERYTHING!  I LOVE bacon just as much as the next guy. In fact, my doctor told me if I don’t stop loving bacon so much my heart will explode.  So, I’ve decided to pick a new food to over-indulge in. Of course I want to be fair about what food I pick to go ridiculously crazy for, like people do for bacon, so I randomly opened up a cookbook and chose the first food I saw.  

So, my new “bacon” is…….CONDENSED TOMATO SOUP!”  

I’m gonna eat Condensed Tomato Soup in every meal, drizzle it on everything I eat and have all my foods soaked in Condensed Tomato Soup!  I’ll eat only Condensed Tomato Soup sandwiches and have Condensed Tomato Soup infused hamburgers and drink it with every meal!

Move over BACON, the new cool food is CONDENSED TOMATO SOUP!

Get it girl! Come on, Marcus, don’t pretend like that doesn’t feel natural. Deep throat that thing. Take a big bite and let the juices flow! Just close your eyes so you can’t see your wife’s hideous clown face, grab some imaginary balls at the bottom and go to town. Gay town.

Get it girl! Come on, Marcus, don’t pretend like that doesn’t feel natural. Deep throat that thing. Take a big bite and let the juices flow!
Just close your eyes so you can’t see your wife’s hideous clown face, grab some imaginary balls at the bottom and go to town. Gay town.

Some of my followers wanted to see what I looked like as a baby. Well, this is the best picture my mom had. The rest burned in my “stir fry” incident. You can’t see my face, but you can see me becoming interested in different foods. I remember this was Alpo dry food I was eating. Within a year I had moved on to wet food. The weird thing is, we never even owned a dog. I still wonder why we had that bowl. But here I am almost 30 years later still eating dog food and rawhides every chance I get!

Some of my followers wanted to see what I looked like as a baby. Well, this is the best picture my mom had. The rest burned in my “stir fry” incident.

You can’t see my face, but you can see me becoming interested in different foods. I remember this was Alpo dry food I was eating. Within a year I had moved on to wet food.

The weird thing is, we never even owned a dog. I still wonder why we had that bowl. But here I am almost 30 years later still eating dog food and rawhides every chance I get!