September 2011
11 posts
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Depression Baking.
I thought I had finally found my people! People like me who desperately try to stave of depression by baking. Staying up until the sun rises baking cakes, cookies, brownies, cupcakes, anything to keep us from crying and thinking about how our ex-wives are sailing the world on a yacht. Then, throwing it all away.
When I saw Depression Baking on Google I thought, “Finally, a support group...
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OMFoodie!!
I got reblogged by FuckYeahSpautula you guys!!!! This has been a dream of mine ever since I got officially licensed to be a Foodie by the state of Maryland!
I never thought it would happen to me with my FIRST spatula post, but I guess dreams do come true!
This is it! This reblog was the first reblog towards the rest of my life! Goodbye depression medication, life is AWESOME!!!!
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Butter Nut Squash...
Is the grossest name for a food I can think of. It sounds like someone slathered butter all over a dude’s nuts then squashed them. Nasty right? When someone offers me Butter Nut Squash I hear them saying, “Would you like me to pour melted butter down your pants then squeeze your junk in my hands?” The answer is no.
The second grosses food name? Queef Cheese.
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Good Luck Soup!
I have a great idea for some “Good Luck” soup. It’s a soup made entirely out of rabbit’s feet!
How can that not make great things happen for me?! And I could use it. I had to check “divorced” on some paper work today. Makes me really sad. Why me, ya know?
Well, I’m off to a local black market butcher to buy 4 rabbits to cut off their feet!...
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Birthday Duck (NOT suck) Feast!
Well…nobody showed up. Not even Abhijit and Raghav. I posted flyers all over Technical Logistics Services advertising my “Birthday Duck (NOT SUCK!) Feast!”
I thought it was clever because people at TLS make fun of me trying to cook, so I thought I’d nip it in the bud by telling them it won’t suck. I even chose to cook duck BECAUSE it rhymed with suck.
But I guess...
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Oops...
Do you ever get confused between chocolate sauce and… other things? Me too. Next time I’ll remember that I don’t own chocolate sauce. And even if I did, I wouldn’t keep it in the bathroom.
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August 2011
4 posts
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July 2011
21 posts
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Liquid diet
Well…my DIY deep fryer did not work out well. I burned myself pretty badly. But there is a silver lining! Now I can get reacquainted with some delicious, soft foods like apple sauces and various pastes I always pass up. By the way, I had no idea you could burn your gums. But you can, a lot. And boy did I! The doctor said the blackness would go away. My dentist said it wouldn’t....
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DIY Deep Fryer!
I was sitting at home, lonely and bored on a Saturday night and craving some delicious comfort food, like fries and donuts. As usual! So, I came up with a great solution. I’m going to try to make my own deep fryer! Duh!
I got the big pot I use for boiling pasta and put in the half bottle of olive oil I have left. As soon as the oil starts boiling I’m going to dump in a bunch of water to...
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I'm a Foodie, not a Perv, Doug!
Well, my barbecue was a complete distaster!
Why do so many dirty things use the same name as food?? IT’S NOT FAIR!!! Why can’t I talk about suckin’ down a big, fat weiner without being mocked or laughed at?! Huh?? WHY DOUG?! I was talking about a hot dog!! And you knew it! And who doesn’t like their weiner stuffed in their bun?! What, am I gonna eat my weiner nude?!...
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Poll: Best Condiment?
What do you think is the condiments?
Definition: A condiment is any goopy liquid you can put on a sandwich. Here are your choices: Ketchup, Yellow Mustard, Dijon Mustard, Relish, Mayo, Barbecue sauce and Horseradish. If you can think of any others, tell me, because these are all the ones I know of.
My choice? A mayo and yellow mustard combination. I know, I’m cheating! Well, it’s...
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A hair more soup?!
Ahhh!!! HAHAHAHA!!! So this morning, I was bending down while making some Sandra Bullock’s “Two Week’s Notice” Leek Soup (see below) and apparently my ponytail dipped into the pot! I didn’t even noticed until I felt something wet running down the back of my neck. And even then I thought it was just sweat, like usual. So, I served the soup and one of the guys at...
What’s the craziest food you’ve ever eaten?!
Mine is an iPod. It hurt and tasted terrible!
You??
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Kitchen must-have
My favorite tool in the kitchen is my microwave. It’s so fast! Anything you wanted reheated, or even cooked from scratch, boom, done in two minutes tops. I’m not sure why cooks use the oven so much, it takes forever!! Usually, when I try to get all fancy and use my oven to cook anything I end up microwaving a Hot Pocket while I wait, then I eat the other one and I’m barely hungry for whatever crap...
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WatchUNSANITARY!!!!!!
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I'm back!
Maybe you’ve noticed that I haven’t been around in a while. Well, I got food poisoning. I know, I know, I’ve been gone six months! Well, it started bad and led to lots more complications. Like, I was allergic to the glucose in my IV.
Let’s just say, it got nasty. Let’s also just say that my intestines got hives and I was shitting blood.
But I’m back, baby!
Ready to cook! And eat, as long...
December 2010
2 posts
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Pumpkin Pie
My wife has been on me to throw out our pumpkins that have been sitting on our porch since October. Sure, they’re pretty droopy and rotten, but I hate to just toss them, I spent hours on those smiley face designs!
So, I thought I’d be real smart and repurpose them. Into a pumpkin pie! YUM!
I rinsed them in the sink, smooshed them down into a pan with a pie crust and baked for an...
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Finally feeling better
Finally getting over my intense sickness from thanksgiving. Thanks for being so patient everybody. I haven’t gotten any e-mails asking where I’ve been, but I know you care.
So, yes, I lost the bet: a turkey DOES need to be cooked longer than a chicken. I just wish it was only my pool table I lost in the bet and not a week of work and thousands of dollars in hospital bills. Why did I...
October 2010
2 posts
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SOUP!!!
It’s fall! Which means it’s time for soup. Hot soup in sourdough breadbowls. Mmm…makes me wants to slurp just thinking about it. Here’s how it works: Picture me in the couch wrapped in my Snuggie, watching 28 Days eating soup!!
By the way, that’s 28 Days starring Sandra Bullock, a can-do story about an alcoholic who learns to not be an alcoholic through friends and...
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September 2010
1 post
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August 2010
5 posts
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Professional Food Makers
Sometimes it really blows my mind that people actually get paid to cook food for a living. I call them Professional Food Makers. But I’ve heard people call them other things like “Cook” or “Chef.”
That’s so weird! They don’t even get to eat the food they make. How awful must that feel to make a giant, delicious beautiful meal then hand it off to someone...
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Omnivore's Dilemma
I am currently reading Michael Pollan’s book, Omnivore’s Dilemma. Man, this guy HATES Corn! Why does he hate Corn so much?? I can only assume that when he was a child and was running through a corn field he tripped and was anally raped by a giant evil cob. That’s the only explanation. Michael Pollan, I’m so sorry that corn did that to you. I hope some day you and that...
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July 2010
9 posts
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Spices!
A lot of people have been asking me lately, Mike, how do you feel about spices? The answer is, I don’t agree with them. People shouldn’t use spices in cooking, it’s cheating! Too often I see chefs (in the middle of cooking!!) taste a dish and say, “oops! Needs more lemon saffron!” and just sprinkle it on. Then they serve the meal like they had done it all on...
Recipe!
One of my followers sent me a recipe to try. What a fun idea! She said it’s a super-secret family recipe that’s been passed down for eight generations in secret on the same napkin. She made me promise not to tell anybody, but I can’t keep something this cool from my blog-fans! Sorry, Harriet! Here it is:
Grandma Finkelstein’s Secret Kishka!
Ingredients
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